Bad Touch

You and me baby ain't nothin' but…So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

Like the Bloodhound Gang, the Nishishinjukes have been going balls beyond the limits of what is showable on the Discovery Channel. July 4 in Tokyo was deadly – and our dear Yallies have got it wild. Troy and Kevin made hamburgers, Bennie provided desserts. Gathered in Bennie’s room, everybody wore red, white, and blue. The hamburger sauce dripped from everyone’s chewing-occupied mouth, Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the USA” was blasting, and all Nishishinjukes seemed to be having a swell time. Until…

In the tradition of curvilinear mood swings, the “happy July Four” times proved unsustainable. To be poetic, a little candle, lit by Chinese girl Mint, burned the entire forest of Saturday night peaceful cohabitation. After paying extensive homage to Troy and Kevin’s hamburgers, everybody began to move to the next course. Bennie’s renowned apple-dipped-in-raspberry-jam-yoghurt was served. As usual, the majority enjoyed Bennie’s traditional delicious dessert. Everybody but Mint. After having tasted the first bite, Mint asserted brazenly: “I don’t like it.”

Everybody in the room froze and turned toward Bennie. Awestruck and hoping to have misheard, Bennie turned to Mint demanding repetition of her statement. For Mint, however, there was no way back – too many have heard her harsh judgment. She couldn’t but repeat, in its entirety, her previous comment: “Yeah. I don’t like it. There should be more sugar.” SNAP! “More sugar?,” said Bennie, disbelieving that anyone would have ever criticized his product with such immaturity and coarseness.

The room temperature rose by several degrees. Most conversations stopped and a certain air of awkwardness filled the space. Stan attempted to save the night by offering free alcohol (which he consequently drank by himself). Experiencing breathing difficulty, Bennie escaped to his bathroom to take a shower, while the rest of the company sat quietly on his bed. After his shower, Bennie was asked to lead the group as the night’s entertainment leader. In an attempt to assuage Bennie’s hurt pride, Hailey tried to cajole Bennie to think that the Nishishinjukes would be lost without Bennie’s wise leadership. And so Bennie grabbed his Tokyo City Guide, in the search of “fun” close-by bars. After a mediocre Karaoke session, the group followed Bennie toward the Shinjuku-goen, where according to Bennie’s guide, “the alternative meets the traditional,” where the fun was supposed to take place.

And fun it was. Due to Bennie’s guide’s misrepresentation of the Sanchome area, the Saturday-night-fever group ended in an entertainment district that provided more entertainment than the Bulldogs could manage a district which caused many a real fever. In a desperate attempt to flee the area, the unlucky 13 members of the Sun Academy became even more unlucky. Like the green tea ice-cream served after a not-so oisii Tesyoku, the poor Jukes began to melt away at the most feared sight: the One-Whose-Name-Cannot-Be-Spoken was cruising the ground, claiming to be exploring local Pornshops.

Kevin shouted at Bennie. Stan shouted at Bennie. Hailey and Mint looked annoyed. Troy and Heidi disappeared. Bennie began to cry.

“Come quicker than FedEx /never reach an apex /just like Coca-Cola stock /you are inclined/
To make me rise an hour early just like Daylight Savings Time.”

With the Bloodhound Gang’s tunes pumping from local establishments, Bennie felt worse than after having watched the mammals on the Discovery Chanel.

Kevin and Hailey decided to take off, taking a cab back to the mansion. Billy went to take a piss. Heidi and Troy returned only to suggest everybody walk back home. Devin saw the light at the end of the tunnel in trying to make everybody accompany him to his most-desired location – to the sketchy-ghetto-pinklights-tatooguys-streetfights Kabukicho. Everybody was too drunk to understand where Devin was leading the group, so the sheep followed. Bennie was to revengeful to raise his voice against Devin’s plan, hoping for everybody to realize that there was someone whose leadership is even worse than his own.

On the way to Kabukicho, the stellar Yale academics tried to amuse themselves, pretending that the passed night had been less of a disaster than it was. In the line with his preferred form of entertainment, Stan suggested a set of enjoyable Yale-fraternity-inspired games - such as jumping on each other’s backs. In the search for the sense of manliness lost in the district where the alternative met the traditional, Troy and Stan began to jump on each other’s backs. The entire game seemed nice and dandy and MOST OF ALL harmless until Mint asked to be allowed to join. Whether searching for her lost manliness or simply trying to rectify her previous Bennie’s-dessert-bashing behavior, Mint decided to join Troy and Stan in jumping on each other’s backs. Well…she shouldn’t have.

Energetic and lively, Mint shouted with more excitement than it takes the Party-sensei to hand out the homework: “Ready. Set. Go!” She ran for ten seconds and then jumped on the back of dazed and confused Stan. Whether blinded by the lights of the night Shinjuku or whether under the influence of Sake, Mint didn’t quite make it. Flipping over Stan’s back, our little Mint ended up flat on the well-carved Shinjuku pavement. She was lying on the ground for twenty seconds and then attempted to non-chalantly stand up - which proved more challenging than she thought. Trying to alleviate the not so successful attempt to become a fraternity pledge, brazen Mint approached Bennie, saying indecisively: Maybe, I shouldn’t have jumped.” To which Bennie responded with a strange air of satisfaction: “That’s right, Mint. Maybe, you shouldn’t have jumped.”

The Sun began to rise and the Nishishinjukes found themselves on their way home, each struggling in his/her own unique way to cope with the interesting course that the night had taken: Heidi and Kevin, comfortably seated in a Tokyo taxi, complaining about the inadequate leadership; Stan recovering from a back injury, Devin planning his next visit to Kabukicho, and Bennie, glad that no sugar had been added to his dessert after all, contemplating the immediacy of the Karmic law. Inhaling the fresh morning air in the Land of the Rising Sun, the not so-Academic Sun Academy students tried to understand what consequences the past night might have had; each on his own trying to grasp the unbearable lightness of the night filled with more entertainment than they could bear, the night of red, white and blue, greasy hamburgers and sugar-free yoghurts… the night when Misty went to the Pornshop and Mint took a tumble.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e13RGx1zVV0&feature=fvst